What is it about Schumachers?

As the nation gears up for the emotional rollercoaster of the World Cup (which in England's case is usually a creaky ascent followed by one huge corkscrew spiral plunge into the 'pit of despair') the evening schedules start to fill up with football nostalgia progs. Amongst the best of the offerings this week was a (French produced) documentary shown on Channel 5 covering the infamous France vs Germany 1982 World Cup semi-final in Seville. We had interviews with some of the French players, including a still plainly hurting Alain Giresse, original pictures from the match, replays of all the goals and, as we led up to the end-of-time heroes vs villains penalty shoot-out, a thorough analysis of the official 'worst tackle in World Cup history' moment. They showed it in slow-motion and in real-time. They showed it from above, from behind the goal and from the stands. They showed the build-up in play and they showed the post-tackle reactions. And the more they showed it the worse it got.

Platini lofts the ball with an exquisite touch and substitute Patrick Battiston breaks the offside trap. Battiston's perfectly timed run is destined to meet the ball right on the edge of the box. Two German defenders are desperately converging on the same point but remain 5 yards adrift. Battiston jumps to connect with the bounce... and then, intersecting in this beautifully designed parabola of moving objects, Harald 'Toni' Schumacher, the German 'keeper, rushes straight into the middle of this wondrous tableau - and flattens the frog.

I was 14 years old at the time and was entranced by the romance and beauty of the French team: Giresse, Platini, Tresor, Rocheteau, Tigana, Lopez, Amoros - artists and musketeers against the stormtrooper automatons. I was incensed then and the replaying of it, some 24 years later, just re-ignited the deep, burning hatred I felt at that time.

But it did, as I said, get even worse.

As the French medical staff attend to a by now unconscious and clearly bleeding player, Schumacher saunters back to his goalmouth. He is totally unconcerned. He begins a series of stretching exercises which seem superfluous as he is clearly going to be sent-off. His ugly be-permed and moustachioed face betrays not a hint of sympathy. And nothing happens. No card is produced - not even a free-kick is awarded. WHAT HAS JUST HAPPENED HERE? THE KROUT MUST BE PUNISHED! WHY IS THE REF SIGNALLING ONLY FOR A GOAL-KICK?

The documentary actually managed to increase my ire. At the time, the intensity of the match and that amazing period of extra-time and penalty shoot-out that followed, combined with the usual teenager's ADD, served to erase or obscure susequent events. But now we are given more analysis. We are told that Battiston had his front teeth knocked out. We now know that several of his vertebrae were smashed and that at one point the medical staff are not sure that he will survive. We are shown Schumacher proceeding to line up the subsequent goal-kick and complaining to the ref about how long the medical team are taking to stretcher Battiston off. Later in the game he is shown taunting the French fans.

It was beyond injustice then and it is even further beyond now. It was my first, real introduction to the concept that life is unfair (a lesson since re-enforced over and over and over again) and that sport is especially so. "If only we had realised how good we were," Platini is quoted as saying, "we would never have lost that game".

This prog was shown mid-week. By Saturday, it was qualifying for the Monaco Grand-Prix, and lo and behold, who pops up but German panto villain number two - Michael Shumacher. At 37 years old, with a hatful of world championships in his locker and an existing reputation for cheating, one would have thought that the teutonic superman would have been seeking a less controversial existence. But no. A less than artful attempt to deny Alonso a stab at pole-position, by parking his Ferrari at Rascasse and pretending it was an accident, was seen through and this time a Schumacher got what was deserved. In this case, demotion to the back of the grid.

"It was a misfortune at the end — I went wide, I locked the wheels. I wasn't sure what was going on," Schumacher said. ”You push and go for it and that was a bit too much.” It sure was Mikey.

Looking at photos of the two Schumachers, if you were to plant a big porno tache on Michael and gave him a perm, then you have a kind of mini-Harald. So it's not hard to believe that there's something going on in the Schumacher gene pool concerning the cheating thing. What with Diego Maradona turning out for a rest-of-the-world team against England, it's been a quite a week of cheats.

Next week we have the end of the first week of Roland Garros, with Federer attempting to be the first man since Laver to hold all four Slams at the same time. Standing in his way is the Day-Glo dagoe Nadal, yet another clay-court power monkey that Spain seems to have a production line for, and England's cricketers will be attempting to wrap up the series against a confused Sri-Lankan side, who play like beginners in the first innings and like Australians in the second. See you then!

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