In Harmi's Way

Three days of fast balls, high bounces, blows to the head, arms, legs and loins and England had wrapped up a superb Test victory versus Pakistan. Andrew Strauss, our fill-in captain for the fill-in captain Flintoff who was filling-in for Michael Vaughan, called it 'almost the perfect match' and he wasn't far wrong. To knock over a batting side like Pakistan in under three days, even on a hard, pacy track like Old Trafford, is going some and we should salute Harmison and Panesar for their 18 wicket haul. While the Durham paceman was notching up a ten wicket haul through speed and intimidation, Monty was pinning down the other end with some first-class spin bowling of variety and confidence. If the Pakistani's weren't getting bruised at one end they were getting bamboozled at the other. An absolute delight to watch. Can England keep it up?

Opposed to this joyful stuff we had news of Floyd Landis' positive urine test - positive for the male sex hormone testosterone that is. I'm not a cycling man so I don't know how 'unusual' his stunning come-back ride was during the winning of the 17th, Morzine-Avoriaz, stage of the Tour de France on July 20th, but it would be a real shame if it's going to be cancelled out. As he pulled away from the peloton and the clock started to show his time advantage increment it was quite a heart-pounding period. Maybe it's all the lycra, or else the podium babes at the days-end prize presentations, but it was so exciting for me that I'm not sure my own epitestosterone levels were not a little crazy that evening. The wife certainly thinks so and if it results in a boy I may have to consider Floyd as a middle name. Anyway, we await the result of his 'B' sample, and if it confirms the first test that would make three busts of three winners of the three main cycle-races this year. This is a sport with a severe problem and the authorities need to act quickly.

The Quality Of Mercy Is Not Strain'd

So, now it's official. Violence, in the form of a butt to the chest, is only marginally worse than insulting someone's sister. The self-serving football gods who sit in Zurich have pronounced on Zidanegate and the result is that the violent thug Zidane gets a three-match ban (he's retired anyway so I presume that means he'll have to rule himself out of the family kick-about at the beach this summer) and a Euro7,000 fine, while Materazzi, nipple-tweaker and sister-sledger, gets a two-match ban and a Euro3,000 fine. A ridiculous judgement in light of what it signals to the footballing world. Mind you, what should we have expected, coming from an organisation who's chief thinks that women should be made to play the game in skimpier shorts?

It also begs the question about what is the sliding scale for similar but different offences. If an amateur footballer cuffs someone about the head in response to an insult about his auntie, what does he get? If multi-millionaire ZZ is worth Euro7,000 for a head-butt then I'm estimating it's a £5 fine and being made to stand by the corner flag with a dunces hat on for the Sunday parks player.

In a more civilised part of the sporting world, England put up a good show vs. Pakistan in the cricket. Notching up a creditable 500+ runs and a first innings lead of 90, ultimately a draw was always on the cards when they couldn't raise the run-rate in the second. Only the diamond-stud earring'd one Pietersen had a strike-rate suitable for creating enough time to bowl out a very long batting Pakistani line-up. When they put their minds to it they can bat for months these Pakistanis and I expect this to be the dominant theme for the next two tests.

Finally, great amusement was had in our house last weekend watching TV coverage of the NZ vs. South Africa Tri-Nations rugby. After the Boks humiliation in Sydney the week previous everyone was expecting a Pakistani batting-score in New Zealand but instead it was reasonably close and the South Africans put two tries on the All-Blacks when going down 35-17. The NZ commentators could barely believe it and spent the whole game belittling the ref, since clearly he could only be the reason "The World's Greatest Team" couldn't put the Boks away. If you thought US Olympics coverage provided the most biased TV coverage in the world, listening to NZ rugby commentators would soon put you straight. Nothing the opposition do right is ever credited whilst every decent move from a man in a black shirt is greeted with an orgasm. As far as New Zealnd rugby commentators are concerned only one team in the world actually play rugby while all the rest of us simply cheat or don't know the rules. (Rule number 1. You never beat NZ, you can only score more points than them). Someone needs to remind them that New Zealand have only won the World Cup once - and that was on home soil nearly twenty years ago.

Skill, Class and Thuggery

Woah! What an end to the 2006 World Cup. In years to come everyone will remember where they were the night Zidane headbutted his way into world infamy.

Perusing the blogosphere immediately after the Italians had won on penalties it was interesting to see how fast images of the incident were posted on the net. There were at least three videos on youtube (one neatly overdubbing a Black Sabbath metal-rage soundtrack to repeated replays of the butt interspersed with a pictures of a bull) and several photo-montages on a number of myspace sites and other well-known blog feeds.

There were also, as may be expected, thousands and thousands of words of speculation over what caused this obvious breakdown in Zidane's mental processes. We had the usual guff about his tough upbringing on the back-streets of Marseilles, that Materazzi must have insulted his race / religion / family, that having his nipple tweaked by a pretty-boy Italian had compromised his masculinity in some undefined way etc. etc. But all these excuses missed the crucial point, which was that ZZ had behaved like a thug. And why had he behaved like a thug? Because he is one. Because, just like our own super-chav Rooney who also got sent off for thuggery, the guy has no class.

That's not to say Zidane doesn't have skill, or indeed grace. No-one denies that he is one of the best players of 'the beautiful game' ever to set foot on a pitch. But ultimately, it doesn't matter what your background is or how tough your upbringing was - you either have class or you don't. And tonight Zidane proved to the world that he doesn't.

It also proved, if further proof were needed, that the majority of pro-footballers are stupid. Whatever the provocation may be, you're a pro-sportsman trying to win a game. And getting sent-off doesn't help you win games. Certainly, France missed his skills in the penalty shoot-out (as did England miss Rooney in their quarter-final penalties) so it was a delicious irony when the Italians eventually lifted the Jules Rimet trophy having converted all 5 of their spot-kicks while The No.1 penalty-taker for 'Les Bleus' was left crying in his dressing room. Forza Italia. Bravo.

Now, compare and contrast this disgraceful behaviour with what had passed on the manicured lawns of The All England Club earlier in the day. Here, we witnessed true class as Federer notched up a 4th Wimbledon Championship and an 8th Grand Slam by the age of 24. As graceful in victory as he had been in defeat 3 weeks earlier at Roland Garros, the Swiss megastar rounded off his successful fortnight with fluent interviews in 4 languages and not so much as a scowl or even a grumble from his defeated opponent Mr Muscles Nadal who simply vowed to come back stronger next-time. Until our footballers learn to behave like the tennis masters England will not win another football trophy for another generation. Someone should show Rooney videos of Bobby Moore when he was captain of England and teach him the importance of class - 'cos if the ignorant chav doesn't learn soon he's gonna cost us another tourny.

Next up it's Pakistan in the cricket. I look forward to some classy play...